Feeling a bit off.

For a while now, I've been thinking and feeling like things weren't exactly right. Not so much physically, but spiritually and emotionally, I knew that I wasn't where I was supposed to be. I kept trying to push away the tugging that I was feeling, I didn't want to come back to where I knew was good. I wanted to fix things. I was in charge, and I knew what was best for me when it came to this problem.

Oh boy, was I wrong! I'm human just like the rest of us, and that means my mistakes are just as dumb as everyone else's. (But who likes to admit that?!?) Recently, I'd been trying to make a relationship work that just wasn't meant to happen, and it wasn't what God wanted for me, and I knew this. It was one of those things I just wasn't ready to give up quite yet. But things didn't get any better. I felt like the decisions that I kept making after that were pulling me farther and farther away from my goal of serving and loving Christ with my everything.

But God is faithful, and he kept putting things into my path that would make me think about what I was doing. As we've been talking about Philippians in church lately, I've been becoming more and more aware that what I was doing was 100% selfish. Paul talks about this in Philippians 2:3, which affirms that one should "do nothing out of vain conceit or selfish ambition..." I was convicted right there on the spot. I kept thinking that I wasn't being selfish and conceited because I was acting in benefit of another person as well as myself, but that wasn't the truth. I was in denial. But what was I supposed to do about it?

I was supposed to stop. Stop doing what I was doing, and give up on what I was "trying" to make better by myself. I also realized that in order to fix something that is broken in terms of relationships, I had to ask for forgiveness, not only from the person, but also from God. I had to be forgiven before I could forgive. The only way I could make this better was to admit fault, and run to God. God would give me the strength and guidance (and conviction) to say the things that needed to be said and deal with things as brothers and sisters of Christ. I'm supposed to live in unity with this person, not make things more complex and crazy. Forgiving isn't easy, especially because I was so confused as to why I was being called to forgive. But regardless, I knew that once I forgave this person and began to see them as a sibling in Christ, things would resolve much better than I could have ever imagined.

What did happen, you might ask? After praying about it and talking to some great people, I talked to the person. I said that I was wrong and that I knew that God was working in me to forgive and show love instead of indifference and hatred. Things now are much, much better than they have ever been, and the relationship is now restored, but only because of the amazing grace and longings that God put in my heart.

Friends, relationships aren't easy. I know, they have their own issues and brokenness just like everything else in this fallen world. But we are called to live in unity and not let little issues get in the way of redeeming a broken relationship. Showing grace is an incredible task, and I can't stress enough how grateful I am for God's everlasting grace. He pulled me up by the bootstraps and told me to stop and forgive. I needed to resolve this so I could get back to my relationship with Christ that I was longing for each and everyday.

And in closing, here is a verse that has helped me remember what I am called to do:
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Run with Perseverance, Brothers and Sisters.